Bloggy

yo

So I keep inventing stuff

first is w a fuel cell that c work as well as platinum and yet be as cheap as, well super cheap. then it w a way of making graphine computer chips.

Ima find out about catalysts for fuel cells. like maybe there’s one that is like ninety percent effecient.

you see w electricity, you have to lose like fifty percent getting it to destination, then lose like a ton bc of how expensive converters, inverters are.

I had like this feeling that the hydrogen w escaping from the thread on the bottle not out of the valve.

Just squirt liquid metal down the thread before sealing.

I’m up at a quarter to eleven pm. it’s a little early. I like to write my blog during the hunt w is at two am. it’s a special time of night.

there w this girl at the hostpital, from africa I think, and she w saying that it w her religion to be up at this time.

I must get going w the business soon. it has raised my self esteem up the wazoo. it’s a lot of stress tho.

I have managed these last few days by just taking a break when something w overwhelming. and G k there have been tons that has been overwhelming.

I c get into any of my accounts. it first had to get into my bank account, then properly. I had to get into my phone account, etc etc. w a f nightmare.

I kinda felt guilty avoiding the stress bc I felt it w good for me.

I find that people not be pi me off all the time. I Idk this is hard to say, I thought I w better than them at the same time as thinking that they were judgemental di.

I felt like they were holding me back in my recovery, proactively. maybe they were. just being weird around me so much so that I w have anxiety attacks everywhere I went I felt. it w horrendous.

Idk it’s kinda stopped. it stopped when I no longer wanted like loads on money and to live in London.

I w around like Idk people I w say are not like that; when I w at hostpital and it totally turned me around. I looked at the Bible and James, and it w a warning against aligning w the rich.

I get that for me it says that so long as the inside is clean the outside is clean also, referring to being generous w the poor. I can’t talk about this no more as I am scared of the fires of hell.

that is literally it.

I feel uncomfortable now.

feelings are so important. I w in the world of psychopathy, now have defected over to the other side. hard for me to make this switch. it helps to not dehumanise people the whole time. I feel this w blocking my empathy in a big way.

just thinking evil about everyone everywhere as to why they had no value as a person; Ima be real about it. from a psychopath herself I feel, my whole life. I guess it just crept in to my soul, Idk.

it w who I w. I spoke to my psychiatrist. I pleaded w him, please let me out of this prison of psychopathy.

I have to say I’m doing pretty well. normally it takes years to change the person w|i, tho I feel pretty good most of the time.

I remember the agony of not being able to drop anxiety after years of trying. hurt like f, every time someone did something I felt w rude af.

I w sit there w my positive affirmations trying so hard to pull myself out of it, telling myself that things were alright; I’m kinda crying thinking about it tho here I am.

eventually G’s commandments wins out. go me, writing my sh, telling myself the pain isn’t wasn’t so bad, I’m now out.

the business c f this. it’s so stressful, it sets me up for a day of just having anxiety attacks bc of thinking peoples’ behaviour super duper rude. I can’t use that word. not judging doesn’t allow me to think of people that way.

I want to tidy up, I enjoy chores. I must keep my wound clean for a month tho until it has healed. I can’t be getting filth all over it.

there w this woman walking down the street w a dog. I said to her that I c get near to it bc I had a wound on my thigh. it’s serious sh, one jump up and I c be super infected, also the wound ripped and blood everywhere.

I keep thinking things that are super disturbing. this is my lot tho when having serious problems. the wound, just thinking Ima keep this clean or ima die, real sh.

I never k how to deal w like my life being in my hands. I had been programmed to get every decision ‘right’ or I w worthless. I c handle feeling my life in my hands; my self esteem c take it should I get it w.

I w quaking shaking, churning and writhing w the shame of having to be responsible for this, I felt. it w a mash.

yes.

please may I be excused from decisions that affect whether I live or die.

To Figuring Sh Out

Kirsty