Bloggy

hey

I am doing regu therapy

it’s about unconditionally accepting my emotions; and also making decisions based on my emotions.

this is what the abuse all my life has tried to block. No, it has actually successfully blocked.

I have literally never allowed myself to feel an emotion.

I have seen my abuser only cry once, when I feel she w trying to manipulate me into feeling worthless. I felt so evil in the moment, and yes, worthless

it’s hard learning that it w all abuse, and feeling like going back w be a joke, literally something I w do to let her completely destroy me.

I read what regu therapy is, online. The outline gave me permission to do the things it describes it as.

I have people on the bus trying I feel to give my an anxiety attack, pathological narcissists. I give myself permission to feel my feelings now, and get the hell away from them.

I give myself permission to get out of an environment where I feel like I am in danger; based on how I feel.

There w this post on Tumblr, maybe you’ve seen it; gut feelings are guardian angels. I wholeheartedly accept this now.

it all started w me saying how I felt, quietly and humbly tho making sure I described the feeling. She put my mind at rest.

I somehow w feeling my feelings, I started to cry. This is the only reason I opened up, bc I w crying.

this is a totally new experience for me.

I only ever cried once in my life, when my friend w gonna kick off in the Cavell Centre. I w so upset, I didn’t want him to ruin everything. His behaviour had been perfect the whole of his incarceration he had told me.

and when I jumped on the jungle him as a two year old and hit my head.

I talked him down, something I w always be proud of.

I suppose the more I use them the more I see their value, logic as always driving the ship.

I opened up to the nurse who dresses my wound, and later realised that the problem w that the dressing w coming open 24 hours after being done.

using my emotions when I talk to people feeling w to say, and how to say it.

this is just a whole world of Idk for me. I just k that I like it.

I never try to manipulate someone w my feelings. Tho if they were a pathological narcissist they w totally think so bc they w feel I had them at a disadvantage as they don’t have the ability to do that for me.

I can totally see how people get so wound up they do crazy sh.

emotions are the modem that humans use to talk to each other. W|o the modem what happens is is that the human just doesn’t k what is going on inside other people.

she needs to k that people aren’t up to anything super duper evil generally. W|o that modem and talking to people and learning their intentions there is no way of learning that.

and hence people do unspeakable fear out of thinking that other people are just plain evil.

I Felt this way. The girl at Sky washed away my fear. I w always be grateful to her as it feels like she started the whole thing off.

I feel forever changed; tho scared at feeling my emotions. Dr Lim said that people are scared that emotions w make them do crazy stuff.

as far as I am aware they are just a communication tool and something to help me make decisions.

I am so thrilled to be learning about the world around me. Being friends w the world means that the world is friends w me. I never have to be swallowing that I doubt someone’s intentions.

Idek what to call this one, Forever Changed

Kirsty