bloggy

hey

I’m starting to feel at peace on my own; it feels good.

I love just laying for an hour feeling just the way it feels to lay there.

I had some people offer to help me clear my flat up; tho I didn’t want people who I felt w manipulate the f out of me in my home.

I have learned that some interventions are no good.

taking pain killers just leads to more pain. Taking the buspirone just led to more anxiety, and I feel the antipsychotics just lead to an addiction to needing them.

Likewise w help that people offer, lets say medical people.

psychology… I tried therapy tho just found that it made me judge people more, and w toxic to me.

also I feel w the people coming to help me clear up.

I Feel good when I’m out and about. I got on the bus and he stopped for me and pointed that out. this felt good; and set me up for having a good day.

I am able now to not judge people for their triggering behaviour; or moreover should say forgive them.

yes there w be times when I rip; and am upset for a while; and during that time feel a lack of worth as a human, and feel ugly.

of course there w tho the trend is that gradually I get stronger and am able to handle more of the behaviour that people do.

it w hard for many years bc what they do that I find triggering; all the time I w working on myself their response w to do it more and more, increasing w my health.

so rly I didn’t feel much benefit in anxiety bc they just did more to rip me. This carried on for four years and w super hard to deal w.

I w warn anyone following J’s commandments that this w happen and to k that it won’t be easy.

it hurts like f that people do this to someone trying to heal. I suppose that’s why they call it persecution.

tho it gets better, just like they say.

I have to say it’s worth it to feel my feelings, to feel like a whole person.

this is something that I have wanted all my life. I had my feelings ripped off me w brain damage from psychopathic abuse. I literally felt nothing, akin to a real psychopath.

I thought like on as well, feeling that to make the tiniest mistake meant that I w evil. My empathy did not exist as all I cared about w getting everything right at the expense of self compassion.

I w trigger myself into a rip w every thing I tried to do bc I had to get it perfect, tho that is another story.

I felt nothing, and longed to feel human. it w decades of pain.

it also hurt that after a lifetime of feeling nothing I felt that I w broken and incapable of feeling whole. So much pain.

every time I w triggered my mind w be telling me that I w never feel, that I w never get there. This sensation w be so deep and real that it w keep me in the trigger and I w not be able to get out of it. untold suffering rly.

The good news is that I got there; eventually. It took me four years, and just as long to be able to k, for sure, that my abuser w the one who did this to me; that I w not the one at fault and should go back bc leaving w evil.

I got there

and I feel this is the purpose of J’s commandments to feel this way, this is life, it is.

I Tried Them They Worked

Kirsty