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Hey

I feel that everyone in this town feels dead inside, that they don’t feel their feelings; as a part of the pathological narcissism that is the culture here.

I have to accept that when I am out and about and I feel depressed, this is why that is.

I must stop blaming myself and saying that it is something that is w w me.

It’s hard when I feel gaslit every day by the threat of someone doing something evil. It makes me feel that I am the problem.

I regularly have anxiety attacks bc of peoples’ behaviour. It makes me feel that I am the problem. And I honestly believe it right in my soul. it makes me feel worthless.

I always feel uneasy when I am out and about, and only feel good when I am alone. This is super hard to deal w, that I am not the problem.

I w gaslit from birth to internalise that whatever w w, it w bc of me, that I w the worthless one.

This makes it super hard w this programming to accept that the problem is not me; tho I am working on it.

Tbh it has been five years that I have been working on myself and I have so much self esteem it’s crazy, tho every time I go out there is the threat that someone w do something abusive to me and I w feel like I am the sh one in this whole town.

I just want to feel like I have value. Everywhere I go the place feels dead, and it’s so easy to feel that the reaso for this is bc I have no life inside, no feelings, that I am broken.

I feel that I w be in pain as long as I don’t move out; feel defective.

The business is coming along. I’m scared to get a job in this town bc of the threat of being taken advantage of sexually. I feel this happened in my last job. I feel it w happen everywhere; like they w treat me like a total poraya as long as I hold that I w not have sex w someone in the team.

I also feel that I w not get a decent job due to the fact that people w feel threatened by my self esteem and scared that I w take their role.

I feel this happened in my last job interview.

Basically I feel that in a town of pathological narcissists I’m just compeletely f to point of it being dangerous for me to get a job.

I feel the gaslighting w come in the form of keeping me in the lowest position, to get narcissistic supply off of me; and treat me badly as well, to get narcissistic supply off of me.

I feel that unless I get out I w never be able to feel the self esteem that I have cultivated over the five years that I have been working on myself.

I feel that I w always be in threat of losing that self esteem to gaslighting, right down to becoming a pathological narcissist. I’m so f scared I w lose my soul.

I k how people rape people, and rob them of their self esteem in bed, in such an intimate environment, the closeness of sex. I feel that I am in danger of this here and that is what they all w do to me.

Basically I’m bat sh sared.

My only hope is firing up the business and getting the hell out.

Kirsty