hey

I have been judging; I guess. I feel much better now that I have let it go.

judgement w always be there. it never goes away; and everyone judges. Most people are racist, sexist or both and bigoted about just about every thing there is; even tho they w like to be painted out to not be like that for the sake of not being triggered around those they can’t handle.

I have to validate my feelings; w is that people have been evil to me for the last week.

I don’t like to say it that way tho. It has changed me.

Idk what it has done; maybe I w too much of a dork; coming from I feel a lifetime of abuse.

there’s like a whole world that dorks aren’t privy to; they just are not a part of it they don’t need it.

I stayed out of it as hard as I c. It has kinda swallowed me up.

I thought that it w always a threat; noticing that it was always getting worse; and concerned bc it w triggering. All the time I increased my self esteem it w always there increasing too to bring me down.

I wanted to get away from it, to outrun it; seeing it as what had made me ill in the first place.

I loved being away from people. It w so good to sit on my own and feel my feelings; so strongly, just be.

I wanted it to last forever.

then all this bullying just came crashing in, and threw it all up in the air.

I felt threatened; like I w never be able to heal, like they w hold me back, right back to where I w right at the start of working on myself; like even destroy me altogether for having the nerve to cultivate self esteem.

I suppose it ends at the point where it can go no further. I nearly left the town tho I had to stand up to it and not be scared.

I had to let them do their worst, hopefully now they have let go. I honestly thought that it w kill me. Ninety nine percent of people w have killed themselves rather than put up w it.

I feel it’s classic narcissism. It gets right up to fever pitch before it peters out and y w never k that it had been there at all; they give up.

they must accept my right to be a better person, please… And just let me control and run my own life, and be happy.

who w keep someone from being happy. Eventually they must let go and allow me it. Tbh I’m already there and I don’t think they like to admit it.

I’ve had so many denials that I am truly happy and saying that I need to go woosh to attain, what essentially I already have.

just not wanting to see and accept that I am already there. Well I am; I made it here.

J’s commandments have healed me; and I have been gaslit so strongly into believing that I am mental; absolutely irretrievably insane and beyond all hope.

It’s the opposite I have actually found my way back to sanity; and I feel it w their abuse that took that sanity off of me and brought me back into a relapse and had them treating me like I w just in danger of never being sane again; like I say, when I w already there. Again, I just feel that they could not accept it.

I need to accept it, and validate my feelings that I have made it. And if it’s that much of a problem me having found happiness then I w move somewhere where they can accept it.

Kirsty