Hey

I feel much calmer now.

I spoke to my mom. She invited me over for Christmas.

Rly what Ima do is pay attention to my feelings after speaking to her, and think about whether I want to.

it may just be enough to stay in touch.

I want a christmas so bad; tho I feel it may affect my self esteem so much that it may not be worth it.

I have the business. I need my energy. I need to have my self esteem so that I feel that it w work.

I can’t afford to lose self esteem rn.

Plus it won’t be over actual christmas now anyway.

Maybe we can chat just once a week or something.

Tbh my energy is so high after speaking to her that I don’t feel that a visit is necessary.

I remember every time I visited her and how it w actually a low point bc I never felt the self esteem that I needed to feel.

I must be real about that and k that it w probably hurt me.

It’s hard to accept tho it is the truth.

Tho I have done the right thing. I have fostered that connection.

I’m thinking about work as well. It felt like a self esteem coup de gras. I w getting gaslit every time.

I feel that what happened w engineered to permanently take the self esteem that they were having to suck out of me every week.

I must not go back.

Tho I c talk to her, my boss.

I think I’ve already hit the balance that I need. My self esteem went up so much from talking to her that; I don’t need any more; at all.

I must find another vounteer job. I want to go down the fire station. I should do that today.

I need human connection so that I don’t feel that everyone feels that I don’t deserve to live.

I never want to feel that way again. it reminds me of the lyrics of that Red Hot Chilli Peppers song. I don’t wanna feel, feel that way I felt that day. Take me to the place I love, take me all the way.

I must get my mom and my brother some gifts. I need to AI where Ima get some super nice gifts.

To Finding A Balance W Connection

Kirsty