Bloggy

hey

I took the sabbath. I didn’t do any work. Then at the end of the day I felt I w in the flow state and figured out how to make the whole thing work.

it w nice just to take an hour not doing anything on my phone, and just reel in the silence.

I used to do this a lot when I w younger. There w no tv, and I w keep out of my parents living room, bc I feel that all my family were psychopaths. I w just sit in my room.

I feel I have learned that when someone gaslights, they are actually doing the exact thing that I am saying they w do.

I feel I have found therapy out to be rubbish. It just didn’t work for me. I found myself judging people and didn’t like that.

I feel that growing up w people I feel are psychopaths, meant that I never learnt all the human rules bc they never spoke to me. This has helped. I feel I have not been corrupted by it all.

basically the woman I call my abuser, just never taught me anything.

I’m scared to have any contact. There w this girl at the hospital. She w trying to get out, I feel, so that she could manipulate and control her daughter. the effort she put into trying to escape scared me on how hard my abuser may try to get me back into her life for the same reason.

I just had a few days break just to see if something w there, now five years later I feel I have a psychopath for an abuser, and that also my brother is one also, maybe all the people in that home.

I had no idea. I thought I w completely worthless. I wondered why I felt dead inside, w w w w me. I felt the lack of feeling w down to me being evil, fundamentally.

trying in every moment to try and feel something, feel human and failing, constant agony. I felt like I w even alive.

I w go to her in the hopes of feeling something, and feel nothing. That w the play, every time I went; just trying to feel.

I remember on the two weeks I had away from her that I realised that I have the same amount of worth as every other human, that no one is better than me.

To begin w I only thought she w a narcissist. I felt like I w the problem w all my being. I had to use these techniques to hold onto merely the possibility that I w being treated badly.

it w tenuous as best.

it literally took years for me to have any feeling that she w evil.

I got a job and learnt empathy off my boss. I learned how people are supposed to be treated and what I deserved and k that my abuser w fully against any and all, me being treated that way.

it w a slow process. I feel I had brain damage from being w this person and w actually incapable of feeling empathy and therefore recognising is as abuse, and that I w not the evil one.

it has been five years and it is only rly now that I have comprehended that she is a psychopath, I feel, and my brother.

now I feel, I feel it all. I am alive.

To Feeling Alive

Kirsty